Thought Association

If you read past this first little paragraph - I'm sorry. What follows is hardly worth reading and I am sure that it is destined to be another piece of refuse on the blog garbage dump...so again, I am sorry. However, if you do find a moment to read through understand that I go through bits of insomnia-like nights for weeks on end. Last night was night one of what I hope will not see night two. The other thing that you should understand is that I wasn't trying to write so much as I was trying to see where a thought association would take me. If you don't know, it's like a word association; e.g. sky, star, hollywood, brad pitt, troy, war, peace, hippie, etc., but with thoughts. I re-read this today and wondered how I jumped from one thought to another - but it doesn't matter. Try it out sometime...

What happens when you don’t care anymore? How many times should I try and explain myself to myself…if I can’t get me then who in their right mind would? Tragedy and hope live together in the basement of a flooded house in Winnipeg. Mosquito larvae, live downed power lines, and boots with holes in them keep this odd twosome as happy as the grim reaper in a world that loves rationalism. How can I care if everything is an extreme or mediocrity of something else? Did you know if you press your tongue to the top of your mouth your neck muscle’s act stronger? They do. Are they any stronger? Nope. Maybe reincarnation is partially true if we were to consider that the atoms that make you you have been around long before you and will be here long after you are gone. Being you is not a gratifying experience at the atomic level; for all their devoted attention to your existence they actually don’t care about you…they don’t even know that you are there…or that they are there. It is a bit interesting to think that if you were able to pick yourself apart with tweezers, one atom at a time, you would produce a mound of fine atomic dust, none of which had ever been alive but all of which had once been you. Yet for the short stretch of time known as your existence they answer the miracle of life impulse that keeps you you. The bad news is that atoms are fickle and their time of devotion to you is short-lived; even a long human life adds up only to about 650,000 hours. And when that modest milestone flashes past, or at some other point thereabouts, for reasons unknown your atoms will shut you down, silently disassemble, and go off to be other things. And that’s it for you. Did you know that I have finally figured out why dreaming is so hard for me? I can’t sleep. Have you ever been to an honest funeral? It seems that only good people die; if you’re bad do they not give you a funeral or do funerals just cancel out all the debt and bad? I wonder how many times you can die inside before you know you are dead? And what happens when you know you are dead? Do you stop feeling? The same questions haunt sane people who suspect they are insane…but the insane never ponder if they are nuts or not. I have a theory about anyone who asks, “What is my purpose?” If you’ve asked that question then there is a pretty good chance that your purpose is trying to re-connect with you. The difference in life is just a matter of one space; it comes between a ‘w’ and an ‘h’ in a word that you would have trouble finding if it was nowhere. I heard that somewhere once and it stuck in my head. “If a man’s steps are directed by the Lord, how then can anyone understand his own way.” An ancient piece of wisdom. And now my modern (or postmodern or pre-modern or post-christian or whatever the heck) thought: maybe I shouldn’t care so much.